Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages