Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)