Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Never mess with a drunken pig.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
🌱🌱🌱
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”