Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
You Might Also Like
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”