Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

hear me out : pockets for your socks

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

A drum solo but on your face.

“What a nice doggie.”

“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”

“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

omg the susans have started to replicate please send he

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?