“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.