“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
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ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
😂🍻
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
This hospital has everything
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world