Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.