Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet