Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Wanna hear a joke?

Sleep.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Bringing back this classic

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”