Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.