Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You Might Also Like
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
This took me a second..
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.