Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.

“Laura, can you come and let me out?”

15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘

15: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

any last words?

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

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