Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When I snag the last meatball.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Battery falling down a hole
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Church Pugh’s
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies