Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Pandas 🐼🖤

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

*kids fighting over something*

Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.

Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?

Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.