Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
be safe out there!
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Uh oh…
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Do that thing I like.
Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland