Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Oh, you have ‘haterz.’

Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*