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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Body by cheese-puffs.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.