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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
step 6: release the wall snake
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I feel seen
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”