Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
New tinder profile pic
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”