Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

Dumplings,

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

Worst Native American name ever.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.

My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?

Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.

I know that now.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry