Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
I’m ready to try another planet.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?