Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.

That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.