Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Oh my god

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!

This is every influencer giving “advice.”

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

yikes

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..