Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
🤣🤣🤣
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Hmmmmm
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.