Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
and this one
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.