sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
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Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.