Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
is this a warning or an offer?
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.