Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD

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Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*


Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.


[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]

My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials


The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests


paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on


I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.


Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.


Do you have to go to the bathroom?
You sure?
How about now?
[movie begins]