Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
“i miss shittin on people”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD