Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.