Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Can confirm.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.