Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
With this onion ring, I thee fed
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Guilty! 🤪
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?