Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

Mornin

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*

Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.