Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
How all things should be taught/explained.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun