@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

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@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@TheToddWilliams

LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash

@psybermonkey

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex. When I wear fishnet stockings he thinks I want to go fishing.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: You put the “cow” in “coworker”
Her: Excuse me??
Me: It’s a joke format.
Her: I’m telling HR..
Me: Ok but I doubt they’ll get it either.

@DougStanhope

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

@TweetsByKaylee

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

@DrakeGatsby

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

@bobvulfov

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children