Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning