“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”