Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
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Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I only eat vegetarians.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral