Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
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Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Life with a cat in one tweet
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang