Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

There’s always that one guy

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?