Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…