Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree