Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?

Grow up

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

[13th century]

[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]

me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya

CW- Google what?

* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit

* makes eye contact

*slow presses enter

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!

Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!

Me:..for the kids…yeah

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.