Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.

( •_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Just take a day off

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:

cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again