Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?