Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
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[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Most Common Source of Electricity
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.