Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago

Investing in beetcoin

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

😸

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.

I just won the traveling with kids lottery.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!