Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*