Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
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Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
they really do be looking like this
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
This could be us… but you playing
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Snack for election night!
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
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