Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

If snakes were wide

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

genie: and for your third wish?

me: that you fall in love with me

[later]

me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?

RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.

#LochteGate

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

mission: save the cat

obstacles: the cat

I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it