Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA