Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
You sure about that?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining