Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You Might Also Like
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Wait for it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired