Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
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therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
What’s the best registration plate you’ve seen?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup