Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

realest tweet ever.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

And then there were 4

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else