Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Happy Halloween 🎃
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian