Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
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i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
