Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her

How I’d get arrested…

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*

Phone: *ding*

Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it