Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.