Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?