Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
🗽
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
then why did i get this email
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
my nickname in college
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.