Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
How all things should be taught/explained.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Shark week, but for squirrels.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready