Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
hmmm
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
i think both sides are to blame here
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?