Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Squirrels before girls.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.