Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Interior design 👌
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.