Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
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The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes