Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
How it started: How it’s going:
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020