Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
This is my favorite one of these!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Sign at work today
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake