Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
every college guy’s fridge
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair