Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much