Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?

Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?

One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

☠️ ☠️

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

Watson was Holmes schooled

My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers