SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*